Like a Honey Badger

So, I think that States have cultural identities. People from Maine are different than ones from say, Vermont. The stories I heard growing up in Maine were about loggers and fishermen. Whalers. People who did ballsy things and had to rely upon themselves. I think Mainers value independence and self-reliance. Vermonters, what were they- dairy farmers? They had to rely on each other in tough times and made a virtue of it. Now they are all hippy types.

This is, admittedly, a stretch and a gross generalization.

But as I live here more, I begin to see and accept more of the Texan culture. And I think I have uncovered a key element: they do not give a fuck.

And I mean that in a positive way. Let me tell you an little story.

I was thinking about a chum I hadn't seen in a while. We used to drink cokes with a splash of coconut rum by the pool and I got to thinking that that might be a refreshing summer beverage in this heat. So I figured I would go find a bottle and maybe some sake while I was at it. I haven't had any hard liquor since I've been here, so I had to locate a liquor store. Turns out it was in the next county. Texas blue laws are weird, but whatever, here we go.

So, I GPS the store and twenty minutes later there I am. I walk in and am confronted by a podium they have set up for a promotional tequila tasting. Yes. People are bellying up to what is, essentially A BAR IN A LIQUOR STORE doing tequila shots. They had booze on ice and shot glasses and a pretty young girl laughing behind the bar.

Part of me was agog. Isn't his dangerous? Isn't it illegal? What about the children? Okay, I didn't think that last one, but I was still pretty surprised. So I do my shopping and proceed to the checkout. The bartender girl is now working behind the counter and she rings me up. She sees the bottle of Malibu and holds it up with two fingers like she had discovered something distasteful.

"Do you know about Malibu Black?" she asks.

"Ah. no."

"Well" she says "It's 70 proof...you can put it in the freezer". I tell her I think I'm all set with the regular kind. I just want a splash. But she proceeds.

"It's 70 proof. More alcohol. Same great taste. 70 proof? More alcohol?" As she says this arches her eyebrows in a manner that expresses that she has a strong opinion about my decision to stick with the regular stuff. This gentleman is a pussy is what her expression says. But I don't want the booze, plus by now I don't want to be talked into it so I stick to my guns. Reluctantly, she drags the bottle across the scanner like a transaction of such wimpiness had somehow cheapened her by proxy.

About this time, two of her co-workers come over. A smaller girl with ferret-like teeth and a lumpy guy. Ferret teeth whispers something in Tequila Bartender's ear, barely able to suppress her squealing laughter. Turns out Lumpy Guy had made a pair of numchucks out of cardboard and Ferret Teeth wanted to let her friend know right away. I am not making this up. They were in his back pocket.

So my checkout girl scolds her jokingly, telling her that this is a place of business and no place to be making or discussing ninja weapons. She looks at me and explains how difficult it is to work with these people. Ferret Teeth will not let this slur stand and begins to convince me that it is really Tequila Girl who is the handful to deal with at work.

"Oh, I believe it" I tell Ferret Teeth "She seems like a real pistol."

At this point Tequila Girl gets a reflective, faraway dreamy look in her eyes and tells me that she is not a pistol, but in fact she carries one with her. Now what caliber was that? A .40 or a .44? She's not sure. No wait, wait, now I remember: it's a .40 caliber. Yes. She loves that gun.

In a five minute errand we went from impromptu tequila bars, to implications of sissy drinking, a brief stop by cardboard numchucks and into the caliber of a young girl's handgun all with a sense of reckless glee.

And I began to understand that Texas doesn't give a damn what you think.

I got into my shiny new muscle car and sped off laughing.